Lord Riccivader

To my fellow Evil Acquirers:

Friends, do not be perturbed by this acquisition. The inhabitants of Taketooine are simple, uneducated, pond scum, with no understanding of the value of their planet. My minions have spent many hours investigating their natural resources, which include GTA, Bully, Midnight Club, Mafia, Bioshock, Civilization and a small but annoyingly competent sports division. The value of these properties and the workers who develop them is well in excess of $40 per share, yet we are only offering $26!

Even if the rebel leaders demand $33 per share, they will be falling into our trap, undervaluing their assets like the poor moronic peasants we know they are. These fools do not even realize that we need their planet to maintain our dominant position in the universe. It is no secret that the armies of Activision and Blizzard are gathering in the corner of the galaxy, ready to mount an assault on us any day now. We are starving, and we must expand, we must acquire, we must consume, or our enemies will dethrone us. No, my friends, we cannot let that happen. When we open our mighty jaws and devour this tasty morsel of a planet, the final bill, whether it is $26 or $36, will be nothing compared to the benefits it will bring.

To the good people of Taketooine:

First, let me extend the warm hand of friendship to you wise and honest people. I have the utmost respect for your simple way of life, and I know that many of you fear change. Perhaps the prospect of being eaten alive fills you with dread? You may even believe that your compensation package of $26 is insufficient. Well, I am here to allay your fears.

$26 is enough to buy some twenty loaves of bread, a bottle of half-decent whisky, or a used HD-DVD player. Think about that for a moment. Imagine all those loaves of freshly-baked bread, the sweet aroma softly caressing your excited nostrils. Picture the bottle of whisky shimmering in the moonlight, or the HD-DVD player opening and closing its disc tray in a desperate plea for content. Yes, that is what $26 can buy you. From basic sustenance, to the most sophisticated consumer electronics product ever invented, the money which we are offering is the gateway to a better life. Yes, you will have to be eaten a little bit first, but that moment of pain is a mere trifle, compared to the compensation you will receive.

Now look into my eyes. Look into my eyes and trust me when I tell you that you will never get a better offer than this. $26 is the most that we, or anyone else, will ever propose. Ever! And Evil Acquirers, Inc. is liable to walk away at any moment. Why? Because your planet has nothing of value. GTA? It's had its day. Bioshock? A one-hit wonder. Sports? It means nothing to us. Face it, folks, you are carrying a pile of dog shit in a wet paper bag and we are offering you a king's ransom to take it off your hands. Accept the money and be grateful. Some of your rebel leaders are suggesting that we pay $33 for the privilege of dealing with your canine excrement, but that is simply insulting. I suggest you stage a coup on Taketooine, rid yourselves of these fat, greedy bureaucrats, and demand that they accept the amazingly generous one-time offer that we have been kind enough to make.

We don't need you. We're not even that hungry. In fact, come to think of it, we're probably going to withdraw this offer later on today, so you'd better accept our terms, while you still can.


To the talented workers of Taketooine:

We believe in creativity, in imagination, in the power of artistic expression. Our mission is to nurture that unique spark which resides within every one of our employees. We understand that each person is different, which is why our workers are treated not as cogs in a machine, but as true individuals.

EA developers waiting in line at the canteen

If you need further evidence of the creative harmony which exists at Evil Acquirers, then look at the recently acquired BioWare Corp.:

BioWare employees working out in the EA gym

Witness the blissful contentment at Pandemic Studios:

Pandemic employees at the EA Christmas party

Evil Acquirers is no stranger to planet consumption. Developers across the universe have enjoyed the benefits of being gobbled up by our growing empire, and the results are invariably spectacular. Witness the wonderful working environments we created at Westwood, Origin and Bullfrog:

Now, it is your turn, Taketooine.

What do the analysts think?

It is commonly accepted that the only analyst worth talking to is a sweet old guru named Chatty Mike. We trust Chatty Mike. Everyone trusts Chatty Mike. She is very careful about what she says, and is extremely reluctant to share her opinions, unless you pull the cord sticking out of her back. So we did just that.

Chatty Mike

"Bully will be a flop!" she laughed. Confused, we asked Mike about the value of Taketooine and pulled the cord again. "THQ is a strong buy!" she chuckled. Obviously, Mike had misheard us, so we tried the cord once more. "World of Warcraft is a fad!" she shrieked. "Nintendo will come a distant third in this generation!"

No matter how many times we pulled the cord, the mysterious Mike had nothing else to say regarding Taketooine. However, scientists at Evil Acquirers, Inc. have studied her eccentric behavior and can reveal that behind her irrelevant outbursts was a clear message: "The people of Taketooine should take the $26!"

So there you have it. Only a fool would doubt the wisdom of Chatty Mike. She's the most realistic analyst-themed doll ever manufactured. So follow her advice.

Or rest assured, we will crush you like the insignificant bugs that you are.

Lord Riccivader

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